Enough!

Oh why should I sigh at another’s jubilance?
Why should I weep as they break into song?
Dancing on their merry way,
Holding hands on this blessed day,
While my heart is torn in shreds again.

Oh God, set me free.
May this terrible tearing rip me from my shackles!
May I live to see You and stop focusing on fables!

I do not deny I’ve been blind.
I do not deny I’ve been tied down in so many ways
When I thought this season my ties would break…

Oh, miserable, wretched man that I am!
To push and sway to get my way,
When the getting’s already been taken!
To love and lose and try to choose
A good path,
But at long last,
I’m defeated.

But I know You will brighten defeat,
Though it gnaws at my teeth
And grimaces the grin I once wore.
Though sour is the taste, I know Your sweet grace
Goes above the raging fountains I ignore.
…Try to ignore.

I wanted to be free –
Here’s my freedom, plain and pure!
Though ugly is the day,
Painted black with deepest stains,
I’ll tread on, though falling is the theme.

Oh God, will You be alone with me?

I don’t want to see those dark faces,
Smiling in their happy places,
Grinning in a winning kind of way…
It makes me wish my soul the better –
To have what is not mine to tether;
To wish upon a star that never shines.

Make my heart ache with intenesest groanings
So that after I despise my loathings
I’ll come out on the other side anew,
No longer controlled by ill-placed desires
That rage within me and exhaustedly tire
My body wracked in sorrows on the floor.
…Striving for more.

I don’t want to want more, God.
I don’t want to need love.
I just want to hear from You, God,
And know that You’re enough.

Oh, tame this lion heart, God!
Make me a humble child of Yours.
Give me wholly to Your purpose.
Help me to love when loving hurts.

And God, this hurts.

Who can I talk to?
I have no one but You.
Who can I run to?
You pick me up in Your arms.
…Revive my broken heart!

I don’t want to want more, God.
I don’t want to need love.
I just want to hear from You, God,
And know that You’re enough.

Oh, please, be enough.
Let the clamoring voices in silence fall as You speak:

“Enough!”

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I Love My God

I love my God so much; He is so precious to me.
No matter what the circumstances that threaten me,
He is ever my strength, my warm embrace.

He loves me with a mother-like love – unconditional, ever-present.
Even if I stray, He is always willing to take me back.

He is the source of my joy, the only reason that I live.
Because of Him, I hope and praise Him exuberantly.

I wave my arms and dance with vigor;
My face is radiant because of all my God’s blessings and mercy.

He grants rest for my soul in the midst of the harshest turmoil.
I will never be ashamed when my feet are planted on His words.

I cannot contain my excitement;
I have to show it to the world.
They have to know the awesome God that I serve.

He is absolutely lovely.
Though I have not seen Him,
His face cheers my soul;
His hand draws me near;
His love beckons me to His side.

What can I say about my God?
His breath can unearth mountains,
His voice silences nations.
The world stood in silent anticipation in the beginning,
And even now all the world longs for Him to bring redemption.

Even I await His glorious finale.
All this life is His grand show,
Scripted out according to His masterful planning and ingenious mind.

Who could dare to argue with God?
Who could prove to know any better than He does?
Is the One who made the human brain not capable of understanding it?

He searches deep into my soul;
He sees my inmost thoughts and feelings,
My deepest desires and greatest fears.
He knows where I came from
And He knows where I will go.

He loved me before I came to be,
And it was His unfailing love that sent Him –
That drove Him – to the cross.
In pain, scorned, abandoned,
This most loving God of all
Was unloved.

I love my God so much.
I love Him because He loved me first;
Because He fought through all of His anguish,
Despising the shame but realizing that
There was a great hope He was achieving for us,
A hope that was worth pursuing,
Even in the face of the vilest death.

And my God is not a victim of death,
But indeed He is a victor.
He’s seated on high;
He rose from the tomb.
He’s who I’m counting on
When I feel weak and afraid,
For His power –
His death-defeating, dynamite power –
Is living and working in me,
Giving me strength that I need.

When I awake in the morning,
My heart belongs to God.
When I lay down to sleep,
His eyes watch over me.
My every step has been laid out
So that I might know Him more
And come to treasure Him for all He is.

I desire to know You even more deeply, God,
Because I have found Your love to be sweet.
Even Your punishment and chastisement
Serve ultimately to draw me closer to You.
So prune me, refine me in the fire,
Take out my impurities
And help me to become a godly man,
A reflection of Christ Himself,
A leader of confidence and humility,
Of peace and justice.

I want to be a man worthy of full respect –
Gracious, well-mannered, sober-minded,
Intelligent, gentle, bold, responsible, fearless;
One who’s whole life is devoted to loving God
With everything he has
And who likewise loves others
With whom he come in contact.

I want to be the kind of person
Who can lead a family;
Who can lead a band;
A hospitable person,
A caring person;
Someone who take care of the sick,
The imprisoned,
Widows,
Orphans,
And the oppressed.

I never want to have a tight grip
On my time, my money or my faith,
But I want to give generously
And help out wherever I can.

I want to have a heart like Yours, God,
And it is only through You that I can accomplish this.
Live through me and accomplish Your work.

Thank You. I love You so much.

Amen.

Mother Dearest

Mother dearest,

It’s your birthday! – A special day to celebrate just how special you’ve always been. I thank God for a great mom like you. You’re always there for me, you love me so unconditionally, and yet you’re willing to tell me when I’m straying off course.

As I grow, I see more of you in me than I had thought. I guess I’ve always had my worrisome nature from you, but there are good things, too. After all, I’m also learning to plan everything out like you do, and that comes in very handy during the school year when so much is going on and it’s easy to forget to do important tasks.

I am so glad, too, that you brought me up in the Bible, even with all the controversies with the Rapture Watch forum. It was good for me to be exposed to so much doctrine, so much Bible, so many different opinions. I feel so well-educated compared to a lot of the people here. I love being able not only to have an opinion but also to have some kind of founding basis for that opinion. Thanks for that!

I think it’s cool that you have some time now to learn musical things, and I hope that you’re able to continue to develop those abilities. It would be cool someday to sing with you. I mean, you already have a lovely voice, right? The lady at the garage sale certainly thought so! Heh.

I’m really blessed to be able to talk to you about whatever problems I’m dealing with! I don’t know how many girls I’ve talked to you guys about… My oh my. And you were such a help during the last two concerts, preparing everything and keeping me on track. You’ve helped to make me more responsible, more attentive to details, more mature.

…Oh, and your food is amazingly great! Hehe. I think I got some cooking prowess from you. My roommate absolutely loves the eggs I make him each morning. =) Hopefully the cooking class will just expand on that all the more.

I love you, mom! And I’m glad I’ll get to come back over there for Christmas break. Praise God for His grace in making you who you are and for putting you in my life!

See you soon! And have a fantastic birthday! I’m sure I’ll sing for you a whole bunch over Christmas break. Hehe.

Love you!

Your son,
Ryan

Hawk Song

Lord, I ain’t got no more ideas
Everything I do turns into trash
My hopes rise and rise to highest heights
But then I’m catapulted into devastating failure

All my dreams crush like ice under pressure
The lostness of my mind is beyond my understanding
I’m standing on You –
No, I’m falling
Falling on my knees,
God would You please
Take away my pride?
Oh wait, You did that already
You did that just now
And how, how… how did I fall?

I thought I was flying high,
Soaring like a hawk,
Caught quick in a bad trap,
Smack dab in the middle of
All that I was dreaming of
And somewhere inside the love
Was a lovelessness – I can’t resist

Nah, I’m drawn in,
But I’m drawn out
An’ it ain’t a good picture
I pictured a firm fixture
But my mind wasn’t fixed on
Only one song
‘Cause I wanted to be careful,
Not wanting the song to fade away
And be replaced
By a catchier tune

Ah, but carefulness turned out to be a nest without care
And my hawk-song was drowned out
I feel like I’ been cast out
Drowning and drowning in all my doubts
And I wonder if anyone will ever hear me
Oh God, it’s my desperate plea

Time after time after time after time
I’ve felt more love than ever before
But it looks like I make myself out to be a whore
Or more, very well, I really don’t know
It’s like there’s a twisted mind with a cruel, cruel joke
Laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing
As the clock ticks ever so slowly
Tick… tock… tick… tock…
And all the world stops
And I see those demon eyes
He thought they were disguised
But I see through the lies

And I know – I KNOW –
He’s out to get me
He wants to tear apart my flesh,
Rip me limb from limb
And this limb I’m perching on
Doesn’t feel very strong
Give me one good wind –
SNAP! – and I’m gone

Oh! To fall doesn’t feel very good at all
Oh… But I’ve gotten good at it

I WISH I could be good at loving You,
My mighty Savior, my God from my youth
I WISH I could rise up and speak the truth
But I fear the truth would lead me to suffering
I fear the truth and all it brings

But what do You say?
“The truth will set you free”
How, oh God??
How am I ever to come to grips with this?
Open my mouth, oh God, and let it pour forth –
All the truth I’ve been holding back –
And what’s more,
I want my focus to be on Your Son
I want all that’s bogus to be over and done

My wings are wounded,
I’ve fallen too far
And of all the pain that’s been drawn from my heart,
I’m not sure what’s the worst part
To be rejected – ah, it happens all the time
But that doesn’t make it feel better
No, I wonder
If it wasn’t such a feeling that reciprocated at me
After I had drowned out another
In the sorrow I now feel

What is real?
I’m finding it incredibly hard to affirm the reality of anything
But I know You, God
At least that’s something
Something far greater than me
Something far greater than love
‘Cause it finds its ultimate source and center in You
And through You, through You,
I will take to the skies again