All I Can Do

Dear Father,

I am dying.

I’m losing heart;
I’m losing my mind.
My dreams are breaking before me.

The worst part is uncertainty.
The worst part is wondering if it was me.

All this for a standstill.
All this hype and my heart is left in two pieces.
One piece says I failed –
I was inadequate –
The other piece says there’s still hope.

Is there still hope, Lord?

God, I see no better thing in all the world.
Things beyond my wildest dreams are here;
And honestly, God, I don’t see how You can top this.
Yet, I can’t do anything without You;
And if You’re not in this, I lose.

Lord, O Lord Almighty,
Were You not in this before?
Did You not ordain all this?
Everything that was beyond my mind,
Beyond my doing,
Did You not provide it?

Then what is this, O God?
Why these endless trials?

Oh, thank You for trials, Lord!
I hate to say it, for my heart is heavy,
But I know it is true and have seen You before.

“We glory in tribulations also:
Knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
And patience, experience;
And experience, HOPE:
And hope maketh not ashamed;
Because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts
By the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” – Romans 5:3b-5

Can You give me a chance to speak, God?
I felt so helpless in a gridlock of uncertain rules.
“May I do this? May I say that?”
Can You give me wings to fly like I’ve flown before?
I don’t want my heart to ache anymore.
I was not free,
Yet was it my fault?

I know nothing, Lord.
I can only wait.
Please let this dammed up flood of thoughts
Come rushing out!
I need an avenue where none has been.

Before, oh blessed before, where did you go?
Then I could speak my deepest thoughts
Without all the confusion in my mind.
Then I was free to love and to laugh,
To wait and to wish, to dream and to see.
Before, oh blessed before, you cannot be gone forever!

Yet if it is so, what can I do?
I am not perfect;
Can You give me another chance?
You are perfect;
Would You give me one more dance?

Helpless I fall, where You found me before.
Helpless I fell, when You opened this door.
Do You open doors to slam them in my face?
Or will this resolve to show Your wisdom and grace?

Is there still hope?
Oh may it be true!
I know there’s always hope in You.
I trust You, God, though more scared than before.
I trust You, God;
It’s all I can do.

The Earth Spins No More

Waiting, waiting, waiting is mine,
My fate for a moment or two.
Time, time, time is sublime,
Yet it infuses all that we do.

We cannot escape it, never replace it,
Saying its powers are through.
No, it hovers above us, dwells here among us,
Impregnates our world with its views.

Viewing now, a new horizon,
Rising from the vast expanse.
Here for a moment am I,
Here at a crossroads I stand.

A chance to begin again,
Like rain falling on a thirsty ground,
Renewed after the summer’s drought,
Suddenly my eyes are open from the dead.

The sunrise upon a mountaintop.
The beauty of Your majestic face,
The sweetness of a lover’s embrace,
Splendors causing my heart to stop.

Ecstasy.

One…
Two…
Three…

Count the seconds pass;
Snatch the moments before they vanish.
Grasp them in your hands and never let them go,
As the world’s spin ’round its axis
Finally ceases
For a moment or two.
All the world, and all my heart, at a stop.

And stopping here, You step in,
And my world starts to begin…

Eccentric

I pride myself in being different.
Some people just don’t understand.
They want me to fit in;
They want some kind of “norm,”
Some kind of control.

But my world is eccentric;
My world is a circle off kilter,
A strange squiggle squiggled
On a crumpled piece of silk and metal,
A bird of unproportionate size they tried
To remain caged but failed.

This mystical falcon has flown
Far higher than foreseen,
Far above the safety of society.

Where else could I find my life?
Where else could my wings unfold in majestic beauty?

If I must fly to the realms outside our atmosphere
For my colors to vibrantly come into view,
Then out I will go
And let my breath be taken away
That a new life may awaken within my soul;
That the blackness of my being
May force with all its emptiness
The Spirit of God to fill the void,
Drawn like a vacuum to seal the hole.

But why wait for the day
When the triumph is now?
Why in silent complacence linger
When joy like the sun is beaming down?

I’m off this world’s circle;
May I be steady on Yours,
Flying eccentrically, living beautifully,
Finding myself mysteriously seated
Among the children of God –
One among them, and God among us –
A royal family ornately displayed
As a peculiar treasure in a dark world –
But only dark for so long.

So long! Farewell!
Say goodbye to the dark world.
It is only dark for so long
Before the longing of God is brought to fulfillment
And He strip away the strife of our torment
And on in merriment we ride,
Our ceaseless toils put aside,
Ever and evermore to abide
By the Light of His face,
The matchless grace
That amazes the human race,
Entrenched in transforming rays
That put our transient troubles to rest.

Now resting, assured
In the truth of His Word
We stand.
Standing, but not in the least without sand –
The sands that sink us, inexorably link us
To the pains of this dark, sinister world;
But when the sands are refined as a pearl,
We find there’s a stone as a firm foundation –
The only God, the only salvation –
Ever to help us, never abandon
Because of His love that serves to command an
Army of angels, a legion above
And even our hearts if we sever our tongues –
Our boastful spirits that ever wreak havoc
In a world where havoc is never more needed,
No, never more wanted,
For wantonness ever walks in the wake
Of this fading, failing world so haunted.

Let me thus break my ties with this world –
Here in passing but not in belonging –
For my heart has a desperate longing
For a homeland my eyes cannot yet see.
Yes, let me disown this world,
Break out of its norms and society’s circle,
My feathers ruffled and wings unfurled
To soar outside the limits and give
A manifest look at a life off key;
Let me escape the ways and pace of this place
And live
Eccentrically.

A Poem To My Father – from February 26th

Found a really nice poemy thing from February 26th in my journal… Not all of it is necessarily how I feel right now, but it’s good thoughts, and I just really enjoyed reading it. =)

Dear Father,

You are lovely,
beyond what I can say,
beyond what I can know

You establish my ways
and prepare my path before me

You live in splendor;
my eyes would shudder to see Your face
Yet You do not boast Your position;
You made Yourself nothing for me

Every day You set the world in motion,
in beauty, in love

You are the Father of love
and it’s only pure author

Your thoughts alone can bend time and space,
and Your words part the seas

The sparkle in Your eyes sets my feet in motion;
the dance of my days goes on for Your praise

Every touch, every beautiful thing,
each kind word, every pleasure
has its origin in You
and are but mockeries of Your Divine satisfaction

When my foot falters on the path,
You take my hand and raise me high,
lifting me up on Your shoulders to ride

I wonder, Father, if You hear me at times –
not in actuality but in practicality
For I live in wretchedness many days;
yet why should I forsake my life?

You have made my days beautiful
so that the joys are colors of light hues,
and the tempestuous troubles are darker variations,
all masterfully painted as a portrait of my existence,
hung upon the wall of Your throne room,
for I am precious in Your sight

May You be so precious in my sight!

You have certainly heard my prayers;
You weigh my requests
and give Your good gifts when all is ready

You hear my groanings and words of bitter sorrow;
You put Your hand gently upon my shoulder
and weep with me in a vacant room

You listen to me when I plead with You
for the life of my friends,
for the soul of my own sister

Am I a hymn-writer, O God?
Father, look at how You have fashioned Your son!
My pen writes in ink now –
in a school in Grand Rapids, MI,
on a pen from Nashville, Tennessee

I wish I could say my eyes never leave You,
but my heart wanders fast.
I wish I could say this world didn’t phase me,
but it often has me in its subtle grasp

Why should the created thing
captivate my heart
and refocus my eyes
away from its very Creator?

Am I simply a distractable child,
never satisfied with one thing
but always moving on to new excitement?

Father, help me to see all the excitement in You;
hold my heart close to Yours;
let us sit together and talk beside the fireplace

I am ever Yours;
may it be lived out
in my heart
and in my life

Your son,

Ryan Vegh