I think too much. No, I don’t think too much, but I don’t act on those thoughts enough. I think of great ideas, and I love it. But then other thoughts arise in my mind like weeds and choke down my great ideas; choke down my last ounce of strength.
Somehow I always know what is right. But I also always manage to come up with some excuse, some reason not to do what is right. Oh Father, when I push that reason aside – no, when I push through in spite of those reasons – God, those are the best moments! That’s where real life change – or, at least, real life impact – occurs.
Sometimes, these moments almost vanish or morph so that they can no longer be called “moments” – they become my way of living, without fear and with great joy… if only for a day. Usually it’s lack of sleep that does it. ;-) But those are some of my favorite days, ’cause I don’t fear what others will think.
One of my favorite Bible verses (Oh Lord, you know I’ve got to think of it more!) is Proverbs 29:25, which says, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” God, if I’m fearing man, what does that say about my trust in You?
I’ve come to realize that this must be my personal “thorn in the flesh”. ‘Cause I’ve had this issue for so many years, and it ain’t goin’ away no matter how much I complain to God about it. So Father, bring me to my knees. Help me seek You and not rely on my own strength. I want to change; I want to grow. Honestly, I want to have fun, and brighten people’s days. I’m sick of being the reserved one all the time. I don’t need to be, and I have all these great ideas; and even if I could be making the slightest impact in another person’s life, it would be worth it.
One of the reasons I wanted to go to college (eventually wanted to go to college) was so that I could be a new person. I was sick of living as “me”, ’cause “me” wasn’t me anymore. All the people I knew knew me a certain way, and I’m trying to change that perception now with the college people. But, that’s the thing, too. I don’t want to just change people’s perception of me. I want to actually change the way I live to be in line with who I am and let people have whatever perception they want.
I love performing and being on stage and being a random idiot. I’m realizing it more and more. I just wish I could apply some of that recklessness to my life – to think those good thoughts and say, “OH! That’s a great idea! Let’s do that!! Fun, fun, here we go!” – rather than thinking and thinking and never acting.
So enough thinking! It’s time for action! …Well, it’s time for bed, actually. Eh, I get all pumped up and then I have to go to bed. But, so is the way it goes. Goodnight all you crazy people! …all one or two of you.